Holy Diver

 

Lyridiculous is not just a place for me to throw shade on songs or artists I do not like. That might sometimes be the case, but for the most part, I wouldn't even realize a song's lyrics were sketchy unless I had allowed myself to listen to it countless times. In this case I am a fan of the song and the artist. Holy Diver is a total banger, and I will straight up shit in your fanny pack if you so much as suggest Dio isn't a fugkn rock god. But that being said, what the fugk is this song even about?

Well over at Songfacts I learned that it is some kind of Jesus science fiction thing. Like, after The Savior died he went to another planet to save them, too, and now he is about to head off to the next one, but they really don't want him to go. And somehow there are big cats involved. Ronnie was a recovering former Catholic, so I am sure this parody of his childhood religion made sense in some personal way that I will probably never understand, unless a hologram containing his inner secrets someday explains it to me.

Holy Diver
You've been lost too long in the midnight sea
Oh, what's becoming of me?

So Holy Diver is this Jesus savior figure, and I am guessing that the midnight sea is some kind of purgatory the savior enters after being killed to redeem a planet full of people (or maybe cats?). But then suddenly we change perspective, and I am not sure if Dio is expressing the Holy Diver's confusion or his own. Which of the two is me? And now I am already confused, so maybe the me is actually me!

Ride the tiger
You can see his stripes but you know he's clean
Oh, don't you see what I mean?

I have struggled almost my entire life to see what he means, but I feel like I just keep getting further away. Did Ronnie usually associate stripes with uncleanliness and this feline chariot of the God has destroyed his expectations about reality by being simultaneously striped and clean? Aside from this song the only time anyone ever directly asks me if I know what they mean immediately after speaking complete gibberish to me is when I am having a conversation with the severely mentally ill. And even then I usually have a little bit better idea what they mean.

Gotta get away

From the tiger? The midnight sea? The planet full of adoring worshippers? I mean, why? If you're just gonna go to another planet and do this all over again, why such urgency? Take some time. Pet the kitties. There will be plenty of time for getting away, man. You got all of eternity.

Got shiny diamonds
Like the eyes of a cat in the black and blue
Something is coming for you, look out!

What the fugk did I even get myself into? How is it possible that Ronnie James Dio was sober when he wrote this? And he was. What am I supposed to make of this? Is this some kind of warning against collecting cat-like gems? Why is Ronnie giving this warning, does he believe the character that he imagined can hear him, and this warning will change the course of the song? Man, I think this might be bigger than me.

Race for the morning
You can hide in the sun 'till you see the light
Oh we will pray, it's alright

Like, hide in the actual sun itself, or in its light? Either way I don't think it is possible to relocate your being to the sun or its light unless, well, you can see the light. It is sort of a prerequisite for getting there, innit? Why the prayer? Are these people praying about the outcome of a race? Are you sure this isn't Earth? "Dear Jesus, please give Jeff Gordon the strength to win the Indy 500. Amen."

Between the velvet lies
There's a truth as hard as steel
The vision never dies
Life's a neverending wheel

Seriously, there are so many perspective shifts that I literally feel dizzy right now. This no longer seems like the Holy Diver or the people of the planet he is saving or even the narrator. It is just metacommentary on religion, which jumps halfway through into a metaphor about the Promethean nature of a deity who is tasked with endless salvation deaths. This is some shit for people who think James Joyce and William Burroughs wrote overtly obvious prose.

Holy Diver
You're the star of the masquerade
No need to look so afraid

Unless I am mistaken, this is supposed to be a martyrdom, not a masquerade. Are these somehow the same thing to Dio? I mean, if you go from being lost in a midnight sea to riding tigers to hiding in the sun, I am pretty sure you got every reason to look awfully afraid, no matter how many times you've done it. Don't diminish the Holy Diver's struggles, you selfish buttholes.

Jump on the tiger
You can feel his heart but you know he's mean
Some light can never be seen

In my experience, which I admit is 100% limited, if you have managed to jump on a tiger and develop enough intimacy to feel its heart beating, that tiger is probably in the bottom 1% of tiger meanness. And now we're back to this light business again. Did he get the lyrics out of order and just decide to stick with it? If some light can never be seen, and you pick the kind of sun that makes that light, are you trapped in it forever? Short answer, no. Not if there is a tiger in it to ride out.

There's a cat in the blue coming after you

I dunno, man. I didn't do it. But I am starting to feel like the Dr. Seuss estate could make a strong case for plagiarism here.

There's eggs in the green and a striped ham, too

Okay, I made that one up. But...HOW COULD YOU EVEN TELL?

Now if you'll excuse I am going to take a lot of drugs and go have conversations about shadow spiders with psychiatric patients just to reground myself after that. Until next time, keep your stripes clean, kids.

Lyric Source